What is Narcissistic Abuse ? Recognizing the signs

Have you heard of the TV serial ‘Saubhagyavati Bhava’ ? Before any of this was widely discussed, Indian TV makers represented it. They shed light on so many aspects of narcissistic abuse.  So, what is it? How do we recognize it? 

Narcissistic abuse is a type of emotional abuse perpetrated by people with narcissistic tendencies or narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). These people frequently demonstrate a lack of empathy and a great desire for admiration, which leads to manipulative and dangerous acts.

Narcissistic abuse is sometimes also referred to as 'invisible abuse'. There are no visible injuries or marks. It's delicate and progressive. Outsiders to the relationship may have no idea. Abusers can be expert manipulators of a situation or person, convincing them that 'It's all my fault', 'I'm the problem', or 'I'm not good enough. These are frequent basic assumptions that drive abusive relationships. Others may perceive them as charming, caring, or kind. Narcissistic individuals can influence a person into wondering whether or not what they are experiencing is abuse by using progressive coercive control, such as gaslighting. In extreme circumstances, people question their own sanity. Victims of narcissistic abuse may face severe emotional and psychological pain, affecting both their personal and professional lives.

What Causes People to Develop Narcissistic Personalities?

Narcissists often project their emotions onto other people because they bring them grief. Their upbringing may have been influenced by abuse, traumatic experiences, or narcissistic parents. However, this does not excuse the emotional and/or physical abuse inflicted on their victims.

1)     Gaslighting

It is a form of manipulation that forces you to believe your thoughts and feelings are wrong. For example, they may deny events that occurred, thereby causing you to become confused and self-conscious.

Here are some symptoms that you're being gaslighted:

•   You no longer feel like yourself. 

•   You believe everything you do is wrong. 

•   You no longer feel like yourself. 

•   You believe everything you do is bad. 

•   You blame yourself for mistakes.

•   You feel more worried and less confident than before.

•   You may have feelings of being too sensitive

•   Questioning your partner's response

•   Frequently apologizing, feeling unsure of what's wrong, or 

•   Making excuses for their conduct. 

2)     Social Isolation

Narcissistic abuse includes both social isolation and financial abuse. You may believe that the abuser requires all of your time and energy, and you may find yourself spending less time with friends and family. You may also notice that the abuser interferes with your employment or encourages you to quit completely.

If you find yourself relying significantly on your partner for companionship and financial security at the expense of your friendships and job ambitions, it could indicate a larger issue. 

3)   Nitpicking

Some criticism is acceptable in a healthy relationship, but a narcissistic abuser can make you believe that everything you do is wrong. If you're in a narcissistic relationship, your looks, behavior, and even the tone of your voice may be critiqued.

4)   Emotional and Verbal Abuse

A narcissist frequently abuses you verbally or emotionally in order to maintain control and tear you down. Emotional abuse is defined by behavior intended to harm you. This could appear as lying, threatening to harm you, or calling you stupid. Name-calling and insults are examples of verbal abuse.

5)   Instilling Fear About Their Reactions

The threat of a rage outburst, physical violence, or public humiliation might be enough to motivate someone to learn how to prevent these events. Additionally, narcissistic conduct can be unpredictable and inconsistent, which can increase anxiety. This game appeals to narcissists because it gives them what they desire.

6)  Walking on eggshells

Narcissists are infamous for creating an environment in which the victim is always unsettled and off balance. If you feel compelled to comfort someone on a regular basis, avoid offending them, or be too careful with your words or actions, This might include unexpected behavior, rapid mood swings, or inconsistent therapy. You may feel perpetually uneasy and hesitant, this is an indication of emotional instability produced by narcissistic abuse.

7)  Invasion Of Privacy

A narcissist will use all tactics of control to maintain the upper hand. They'll always want to know where you're going, who's joining you, and when. They may request your passwords or get into your email to keep track of you.

8)  Inflated Sense of Entitlement.

Narcissists want special attention. They will act out if you do not grant their every whim or demand. You may be subjected to "cold shoulder" or "silent treatment," as well as name-calling and physical abuse. A narcissist's inflated sense of self-importance leaves little time or space for anybody else, making others feel isolated in the relationship. Narcissists are unable to connect with people, therefore the other person feels unheard or disregarded in the relationship. Over time, you will learn to repress your emotions and avoid discussing what is going on in your life.

9) Projecting

A narcissistic partner or family member may project negative behaviors onto you rather than accept responsibility for their actions. DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim, and Offender) is a typical manipulative method. Narcissistic abusers might deny responsibility and undermine credibility by blaming their victim.

10)  Love Bombing Followed by Devaluation

Probably the tell-tale sign of narcissistic abuse is this. Love Bombing is a narcissistic behavior in which you are showered with love, attention, affection, and praise. Love bombing involves expressing attention and affection in an attempt to influence someone. It can produce internal turmoil and uncertainty among victims. The narcissist utilizes love bombing to manipulate the person into being their next source of supply, and they will continue to do so in order to keep the person in the relationship. Love bombing is powerful, and the narcissist may overshare or encourage you to commit to them prematurely. However, habits such as criticism, distancing, and cynicism may develop with time. This pattern frequently occurs, resulting in a cycle of highs and lows that may keep you emotionally reliant.

11) Playing the Victim Card

When everything else fails, the narcissist uses the victim card. This is intended to elicit sympathy and further regulate conduct. A 2020 research found that narcissists frequently exhibit victimization.6 Although narcissists appear to have a strong, dominant personality, when criticized, they will play the victim to gain attention and appear weak. This also permits the narcissist to escape taking responsibility for their actions by blaming it on the outside world.

12)  Ignoring Your Boundaries

The total disregard for limits is a warning sign. Spending time apart in partnerships is acceptable, as is setting limits for self-care, routines, bedtimes, eating schedules, and so on. A narcissist will overlook and push your limits in order to exert control over you and foster dependence.

The Narcissistic Abuse Cycle 

Here's how an abuse cycle may look.

• Idealization: At first, an abuser may appear to be the perfect companion. They're frequently friendly and even appealing. The abuser may be smitten with the victim, and the soon-to-be victim believes they have met the perfect companion.

• Devaluation: At this point, warning signs and rude behavior surface. This frequently begins slowly, with controlling or jealous behavior, such as getting angry when you meet friends. It can lead to gaslighting, verbal abuse, and even violence.

• Rejection: Eventually, the abuser may reject their spouse. This is frequently the result of the partner's request for compromise or understanding, which the narcissist refuses.

Help Is Available

If these patterns sound familiar, you may be the target of narcissistic abuse.

This type of abuse happens slowly over time. It’s not clearly defined for survivors, and since this type of abuse is not always physical, survivors often second-guess whether it is abuse at all.

Without intervention, these patterns will continue indefinitely. Even with intervention, post-separation abuse will likely ensue, so safety planning is paramount.

Help is available. If you suspect you’re experiencing narcissistic abuse, or if you’ve left an abusive relationship and post-separation abuse continues, call the government hotline as per your state/ union territory  http://www.ncw.nic.in/helplines