Diving Deep Into Attachment Styles 

Ever find yourself in the same tricky relationship patterns, no matter who you're with?  Are you prone to disengage from a relationship once it becomes too emotionally personal, or are you prone to clinginess and jealousy?

Feeling stuck in a cycle of tough emotions in your love life?  It might be time to dive deep and reflect on how you connect with those special people.  Getting to know attachment styles and the fundamentals of attachment theory is key to this journey!

What are Attachment Styles?  

Attachment styles are a way of understanding how we interact in relationships. The theory of attachment was first developed by a psychologist named John Bowlby and later expanded by Mary Ainsworth, whose research introduced the concept of four distinct styles of attachment.

By understanding attachment styles, we’re better able to recognize patterns in our relationships. Not only does this give us insight into our relationship dynamics, but it can also empower us to work toward healthier interactions and deeper connections with the people in our lives.

The four attachment styles

1.       Anxious (also referred to as Preoccupied)

2.       Avoidant (also referred to as Dismissive)

3.       Disorganized (also referred to as Fearful-Avoidant)

4.       Secure

How Attachment types Develop in Childhood

How parents show up for their kids shapes the way those kids see and navigate their own relationships later on. Kids totally rely on their caregivers for that warm comfort and support they need! When caregivers create a cozy and loving space, tuning into a child's needs—both physical and emotional—even when they’re not openly shared, magic happens! That’s how secure attachments are formed. When caregivers miss the mark on understanding their child's physical and emotional needs, it can create a sense of insecure attachment. Sometimes, caregivers might not even realize they're missing the mark, but to the child, it can feel like their needs aren't being met.  

Attachment Styles and How They Manifest

1. Secure attachment: A base for stable relationships

Children with secure attachments often grow into adults who carry that same security into their relationships. Secure children received regular early attention from primary caregivers. Meeting an infant's physical needs or even reacting to night wakings may have been part of these experiences. One study revealed that consistent and sensitive soothing can lead to a more secure attachment. 

Where it comes from: Secure attachment isn't about having flawless parents. Consistent love, attention, and care create the perfect foundation for deep connections!  Having a secure attachment probably meant you could count on that solid support from your main caregiver(s).  You've likely felt that pure, unconditional emotional support that just lifts you up!  Your caregivers set those strong boundaries that totally help you thrive later on!

How it manifests: If you are a securely attached individual, you most likely display confidence in giving and receiving support. You can navigate conflicts with understanding and patience. You often consider your partner’s need for freedom and autonomy. Ultimately, it’s easy for you to give someone appropriate attention without becoming clingy.

Security fosters strong self-esteem, emotional regulation, and the ability to connect with others. The benefits of a secure attachment style to you and others are plentiful, including:

• Enhanced relationship satisfaction

• Better stress management

• Positive outlook toward challenges 

Secure attachment paves the way for satisfying partnerships. The hallmarks of these connections are trust, open communication, and enduring emotional connection.

Signs of secure attachment style

If you have a secure attachment style, you are more likely to exhibit the following traits:

1. Confidence in seeking support. A secure attachment style makes you more likely to trust a partner to provide support. The support may include their confidence in you, emotional availability, and accessibility.

2. Ability to offer support. As a securely attached person, you also likely feel comfortable offering support to your partner. 

3. Effective conflict resolution. Secure attachment may help you to navigate conflicts with understanding and patience. It can help you avoid issues common to other attachment styles that may create poor conflict resolution skills. Insecure attachment types may even increase instances of intimate partner violence.

4. Strong self-esteem: A secure attachment style fosters strong self-esteem. This is because you feel valued and loved by caregivers from an early age.

5. Improved emotional regulation. If you have a secure attachment style, you may better understand how to regulate your emotions. In adulthood, you likely exhibit the consistent care and responsiveness shown by your primary caregivers.

   
   

2. Anxious attachment: craving emotional closeness, fearing abandonment

If you are an anxious attachment type, you have the same keen desire for emotional closeness as others. But you likely also fear abandonment. You may worry that a partner or loved one will not return your feelings. This anxiety can often lead you to seek constant reassurance and validation.

Where it comes from: If you’re the anxious type, you may think you must behave in prescribed ways to receive affection. Anxious attachment may stem from inconsistent caregiving during childhood. Love and attention were likely unpredictable or based on performance or behavior. This neglect can foster insecurity and hinder your ability to build healthy relationships. 

How it manifests: Anxious attachment makes you feel dependent on partners for emotional support. You may struggle with self-soothing when faced with challenges. Say a romantic relationship ends, and you feel rejected or betrayed. This abandonment may stoke your fears, creating a need to stay vigilant and emotionally overinvested. Some research suggests that situational stressors may activate or heighten anxious attachment traits. The study confirmed that avoidant and anxious behaviors emerged in circumstances that triggered participants. When triggered, they behaved in ways common to their attachment type.

Signs of anxious attachment style

If you have an anxious attachment style, you may show a set of common traits, such as: 

1. Seeking constant reassurance: With an anxious attachment style, you may need continual validation from partners. You may only feel safe with frequent affirmations of love and commitment.

2. Fearing losing your partner: Anxiety leads to intense fear of abandonment. This prompts attachment behaviors aimed at keeping partners close. You may text excessively or avoid spending time apart.

3. Struggling with jealousy: Abandonment fears stoke anxiety that a partner will be unfaithful.

4. Difficulty focusing on yourself: If you’re anxious, you may be overly focused on your mate. You may struggle with personal growth or interests outside your relationship. You might spend most of your energy managing your partner's actions and feelings.

5. Emotional reactivity: Change or perceived change is difficult for those with anxious attachment. Fluctuations in your partner’s behavior can feel like a loss of affection or interest.

   
   

3. Avoidant attachment: prizing independence, fearing intimacy

A deep-seated need for autonomy in relationships characterizes avoidant attachment. You may fear intimacy or have problems with vulnerability. You are more likely to focus on self-reliance. You might appear emotionally distant or uninterested in close relationships.

Where it comes from: The roots of avoidant behavior come from emotional neglect. You may have had early experiences where seeking comfort or support prompted rejection. This trauma informs the belief that showing emotions or needing others is a sign of weakness.

How it manifests: If you have an avoidant attachment style, you may struggle to express your feelings and needs. Instead, you may prefer to keep others at arm's length. This behavior pattern is to protect yourself from hurt or disappointment. You may choose to invest more in your personal interests. You may also use achievements to confirm your worth without relying on others. In romantic relationships, you may resist getting too close. This reluctance stems from a fear that intimacy compromises your independence. Those with avoidant attachment do have a desire for connection but fear the vulnerability that comes with it.

Signs of avoidant attachment style

Look for these common traits in someone with anxious attachment: 

1. Fierce independence. Avoidant attachment styles often focus on autonomy above all else. You might view relationships as threatening your self-sufficiency and avoid too much closeness.

2. Difficulty with emotional intimacy. You may struggle to open up about your feelings. You might find it challenging to share vulnerabilities or deep emotions. This is true in friendships and partnerships, where you fear intimacy could lead to dependency.

3. Discomfort with physical affection. You might dislike physical affection and avoid hugging or cuddling. You may also shy away from physical affection when emotional situations are outside your comfort zone.

4. Mistrust of relationships. Avoidant types tend to be cynical about close relationships. If this is you, you might believe that people will eventually let you down or hurt you. This makes it difficult for you to trust others fully.

5. Self-reliance in problem-solving. If you are avoidant, you are more likely to handle issues alone. You may pride yourself on solving problems independently. You might view doing so as a sign of strength rather than isolation.

   
   

4. Disorganized attachment: a mix of anxious and avoidant traits

Disorganized attachment comes with a somewhat confusing mix of attachment behaviors. You may exhibit disorganization due to traumatic or inconsistent parenting during childhood. You may have a mix of anxious and avoidant traits, leading to unpredictable relationship patterns. These patterns may show up in other life areas like work life.

Where it comes from: Disorganization might make you seek intimacy, then withdraw. Often, this stems from your primary caregivers displaying unreliable warmth and protection. As a result, you may have a deep-seated mistrust of others that leaves you feeling bewildered about your connections. You may be unsure whether to move toward or away from emotional connections. 

How it manifests: In romantic partnerships, you may be loving one moment and distant the next. You likely struggle with getting your needs met and may live in a world where love equates to pain. This mindset makes trust and relationship stability extra challenging.

Signs of disorganized attachment style

If you have a disorganized attachment style, you likely show a mix of anxious and avoidant traits, such as: 

1. Running hot and cold. You may react unpredictably to affection. One day, you might be responsive and warm, soaking up the attention and reciprocating it. The next, you become cold, pushing your partner away without reason.

2. Difficulty trusting partners. Although you want closeness, you fear betrayal. This anxiety makes it hard for you to trust people, including romantic partners. Suspicion and doubt color your relationships.

3. Anxiety in relationships. If you’re a disorganized partner, you likely experience anxiety in your relationships. You worry about abandonment or rejection but also fear getting too close. You may be clingy one moment and completely aloof the next.

4. Sudden mood swings. Emotional regulation is hard if you have a disorganized attachment style. Your mood or emotions might seem disproportionate to a situation. Your reactions may come from unresolved trauma. One study shows a relationship between insecure attachment and later teen aggression. When reviewing the link between attachment dimensions and anger, researchers found that anxious and avoidant styles were associated with higher physical and verbal aggression. 

5. Sabotaging behaviors: A hallmark of disorganized attachment is self-sabotage in relationships. You may be doing this without realizing it. You might pick fights, withdraw at critical moments, or end relationships out of fear. This pattern may occur even when things are going well.